First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
