After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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