she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
