So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
