You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize