Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
