Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
