After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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