Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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