he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
