Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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