you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
