Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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