I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
