New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
