just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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