His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
