Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
