I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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