Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
