Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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