just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize