it's like iHOP with fire
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
