mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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