i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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