GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
