dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
