Define "chronic" masturbator.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
