my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My penis needs a shock collar
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize