i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
