I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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