So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
