sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
