if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
