he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
