hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
