there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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