My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
