Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
That was before I lit my hair on fire
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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