our cab driver is having phone sex.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We got so high we made milksteak
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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