His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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