ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think I won the penis lottery.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I still have a little drunk in my system
Oh god it's open bar.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
