Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
