The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And then he peed in my hair
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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