Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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