girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
