dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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