I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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