$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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