gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
