Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
