She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
