You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize