Jerry, you need to find god
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
