At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
