I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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