he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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