Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
