Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
