That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
