On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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