I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
