it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
