Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
