There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
