her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize