Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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