I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
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