i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize