my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
