My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
