at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
