I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
